Good people of the world. I’ve got fantastic news for all of you. I have just signed an executive order which decreases the price of a global lottery ticket to 99 cents! When is the last time you paid under a dollar for anything!? Let alone your fair shot at immeasurable happiness!!? Huh!?
Wait! Wait! I have also …
Thank you. Thank you. Hold on … there’s more!
You are gracious. Thank you! People! Wait!
I know, I know … but listen …
Listen: I have also … I would suggest that you all sit down for this if we were not packed in this auditorium like sardines. So … people … make sure you use your fellow human beings to keep your balance … as, what I’m about to tell you may flood your brains with so much joy … you won’t, you won’t — I mean, who knows … Scientists? Scientists? Are there any scientists? In the room? Is there some way to predict how much joy they might feel, so that we might take the appropriate precautions?
Well, I apologize that I cannot bare to withhold this news any longer … but, you have all been warned … and are officially listening at your own risk …
Ok … The ODDS of the global lottery are being reduced from 1 in 975 million … to 1 in FIVE HUNDRED MILLION!
ALMOST in HALF.
Of course … this will no doubt reduce the prize money a bit … but, come on –what was the last payout?? What was it … like something ridiculous, wasn’t it? Like 1.2 Billion dollars or something??
Oh, boy, DON’T I feel SORRY FOR YOU NOW!!? Look at me! Look at me! Smiling from ear to ear with this sarcasm! Oh dear, my face is hurting!
No … of course … I will not feel sorry for anyone who wins, say, 700 MILLION dollars instead of 1.2 BILLION. Nope … sorry.
Well … hey, we can bring the price back up to a buck if we all like!??
I’m kidding, of course. Please everyone. On your way out … please be sure to grab a free one ounce trial of “Budweiser with a B” … our gracious sponsors for the evening … “Budweiser with a B. Same great taste with all the B vitamins you need to keep your piss yellow no matter how much you drink.”